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E T

e l a b o r a t e d t h o u g h t s

When you try to think about which finger you use least (if you have any at all, in which case the following might or might not be a bit more obscure to you than to the able-bodied person that I to my knowledge am) by thinking of mentally tracking one fingers movements in one or both hands at a time. You might notice that the quality of the signal the brain gets – or the resolution of instructions increases or decreases between the dominant and non-dominant hand to an individual degree. [Because less used or non-existing pathways are being tried to access. The brains input gets scrambled, resulting in a fuzzy signal/ imprecise movements. Which in turn gives feedback to the brain which is still trying to enforce the original movement. Guided by visual and/or haptic information corrective measures might be applied to no avail. Movements stay imprecise. By brute-forcing the movement input a large enough amount of times, the road gets paved bit by bit. Once more leading to an increased resolution.

– A thought.

It still feels like throwing glass against the wall hoping it will fall

Now sand runs through my fingers

[accepting defeat is the only way to preserve sanity]

No one taught me how to blow glass

without it I will continue to drown

Looking upwards to you, my beloved

Afraid to forget the thought of you

Sitting on the floor sunshine through the kitchen window

Clouds flowing by is what I remember

Recent combination of letters my brain came up with:

A suggestion of safety as the beginning of horror
Well fed – malnourished; is sometimes a-okay
The little eternity that is hold in boredom
And suddenly you were in places you weren’t supposed to be
Language is the OS of the brain
(personality-)development via subtraction – gives you some good results along the way but it is getting less
Lines dividing blue
A good relationship should age like a good apple
The fantasy of comfort I wish[ed] to see with you, can still be remembered. [On one hand I find myself cherishing you for that, but on the other hand one could dig the worlds deepest hole. You get a lot of nothing, but you know precisely where it is. Optimistically said nice to have but probably not worth much in the long run.]
Your fate is locked in twine with mine. I see your youngest dying and your oldest holding on. The strength to save you has not yet been granted upon me. I can see an image clear as day where I shall walk thee to thine ascension. But that day is not today

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Bone-Mechsuit Pilot in Training

Listening to music has been one very accessable way to further express and experience my emotions. Since I stopped being traditionally productive no music has been able to resonate with me. At least not as strongly as it used to. I still like listening to music. I still find new music I enjoy. I still feel the music, but the spark seems to be lost for now. For now the role of music has been reduced to background noise. It has always been background noise. Background noise with a purpose. No way appears clear and yet I am somewhat aware of the way I need to go. I denied myself the status of a human for so long anything else feels like pretending. It worked well enough for long enough. Why shouldn’t it work now. The fact that I can clearly see the hurdle makes me feel ashamed of myself. I can see it. I can feel it. It is too high to jump over. My mind is foggy and i feel robbed of any option to escape.

Recent combination of letters:

The inexplicable need to be able to fall asleep laying down with my legs crossed
Rotting on my desk in solidarity with orange peel and apple cores
Wotan
Cookies perfumed with the idea of cherry blossom
Tissues are folded in a way where every combination of unfolding provides a reasonable amount of absorbancy for most scenarios aswell as a form that seems to magically fit most situations

-Pumpkin Potion Cat Snake-

The broken remnants of what has once been became the centerpiece on the altar of my mind

With a decrease in wellbeing and lacking regulatory abilities the ability of this brain to understand things to a certain degree appears to be lost. Whether through fault of oneself by failure to adapt or through a lack of an adapted environment.

We’ll meet again

Don’t know where, don’t know when

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The North Remembers.

Past experiences are no guarantee for future events.

I feel like I am sitting seperated from my intuition. I am afraid of loosing my hypercharged sense of introspection through which I am so used to witness the world. Loosing the voice in my head that is most closesly related to what I recognize as ‘myself’. I am standing in a control room where all the buttons are just painted onto the table. Useless. The person seemingly in charge would natrually be afraid of loosing their power. Especially if it is just an illusion of power.

After listening to a questionably healthy amount of GOT Abridged because music did not seem to properly entertain my ears, I am getting back into form.

As another testament to my A Song Of Ice and Fire obsession

“The king has taken for his sigil the fiery
heart of the Lord of Light.” Renly seemed amused by that. “All for the good. If we both use the same banner, the battle will be terribly confused.”
Catelyn said, “Let us hope there will be no battle. We three share a common foe who would destroy us all.”
Stannis studied her, unsmiling. “The Iron Throne is mine by rights. All those who deny that are my foes.”

After trying to bring justice to whoever tried to kill her second son, Catelyn Stark falesly accuses and abducts Tyrion Lannister. Starting what is known as the war of the five kings. She tries to advocate for peace to unite Renly and Stannis, brothers to the recently deceased king to form an alliance against their common enemy. In her mind she is talking about the Lannisters who killed her husband after he found out the incestous truth of the princes parentage. She might as well be speaking about the others. The mystical threat that looms in the far north just waiting to sweep over the continent of Westeros. The magical apocalypse is coming and the winds of winter are rising. All that reasoning fails her durig the meeting with the self-proclaimed kings Stannis and Renly Baratheon. She left her dying father to make this futile plea for peace. Now she is left with no other option than to watch the imminent battle, forced to look at her failure and feel the pile of corpses grow larger that lays on her conscience. She came as a king’s envoy and feels defeated by the indifference she was met with.

“It is past time I went back to Riverrun to close my father’s eyes, she thought. That much at least I can do. I may be a poor envoy, but I am a good mourner, gods save me.”

GRRM manages to emphasize his characters’ emotional state in an emotive and empathetic way. Even more so in context with the characters age. The very young Arya Stark wondering if her parents would still love her, knowing what she had done to survive. 79 year-old Maester Cressen, the point of view character of the 2nd book’s prologue, trying to do what he thinks is right to protect Stannis and Renly who he both helped to raise. Trying to protect what he recognizes as his legacy, he dies in vain only further cementing the red priestesses position of power.

Living for tomorrow, waiting for it to finally happen. Today just needs to pass as quickly as possible. Once tomorrow has arrived there is a new one to look forward to, a new one that could be better than today, a(nother) fictional goal seemingly worth grasping for – perpetuating a state of inaction or one of preparative actions
Potato chip packages that always fall in direction of Mecca
The difference in volume between my headphones feels like a pulsating void trying to swallow my thoughts
Gen 2 human that have upgraded their concsiousness into having a crisis of faith
Feel like being made out of glass

Experiencing my consciousness could be considered the type of torture even the greek gods would be proud of. The ultimately defeating fact that I am somewhat okay with not being better. Not partaking in most things that could be considered part of the human experience.

Sure the sun will rise.

The North Remembers. Read More »

Dichotomy

Searching for forgotten spells and ancient artifacts, uncovering remnants of an ancient civilization or the simple quest to find a mythical nearly forgotten all-purpose solution for the plot. At the core of most fantasy and science fiction stories lies the belief that there is wisdom in ancient knowledge. Knowledge that holds the key to a brighter future. Cursed by our own evolution humanity strives towards optimisation. Optimisation that will by it’s very own definition change the status quo. What remains is torn between an inachievable rose-tinted vision of the past and the relentless march of progress.

Understanding the near infinite complexity of reality.

Your brain is lying to you at this very moment and there is no way to fully grasp the world around. The physicality of the world can (or will) be fairly accurately described by classical physics in accordance with the correspondence principle. Which means that quantum phenomena merge into behavior that can be described by classical physics, if the sytem’s size is sufficient (or approximately that). [I am in fact not qualified to make that statement with enough confidence to not write this comment.]

Breaking down the very small fracture of information that is accessible through human sensory organs into a blurred mess of warped perception. Every single person has their past lifetime full of experiences to judge situations in accordance to what they have learned and lived through. Every single person you might walk past on the sidewalk most likely has a similarly complex social situation to oneself and every single person has values they hold dear and strive for. However different they may be.

Still trying to come to terms with the inherent complexity of reality and stumbling upon the difficulties that arise from a lack of ignorance.

I want to thank you for letting me experience such pure affection towards another human being. It feels like I am remembering. Although, I am not certain I ever felt similar before. Attracting forces come and go. If what drew us close vanishes I still want to wish you nothing but that you’ll find happiness however it may look to you. – I love you.

Currently:

I noticed a decrease in typing accuracy, which is annoying because neither did I type less than before nor did I type on a different keyboard.
I noticed a decrease in writing competence, I have trouble thinking words as well as writing or typing them and being able to tell if they are spelled correctly although they still are.
Listening to Sophia Kennedy and still desperatly searching for a bit of a longer lasting satisfaction with the music i am listening to at the moment.
The human heart in conflict with itself – ACOK Abridged #108: Jon IV was livestreamed and released on the 02.07.2023; I managed to tune in live and had quite enjoyable time. [If you a spare 1h50min and are way familiar with A Song of Ice and Fire, Game of Thrones and Dune, I can very much recommend this episode as well as the whole show.] – valyrian steel crab fork
Since music did not provide my brain with the neccessary stimulation I finally listenend to Alt-Schwift X’s “Ranking every food description in a song of ice and fire [with Glidus]” and had quite the blast with it. Ranking the lavish food of the high-born especially in the early books set into contrast with the food of the peasantry and as the circumstances worsen so does the food until we reach the peak of an “old dry rat” and various ways of preparation for human flesh. All that ranked and discussed by questionably qualified people from ranks S to “I don’t wannit” (Jon Snow a character from an HBO television series also known as THE DRAGON SHOW)

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Goldilocks Zone Of Being Miserable

Once the afflicted has spend enough time in less than ideal circumstances (from a young enough age). It can occur that one preferes to stay in that semi-miserable state. Over time one can find a certain (imaginary) comfort in it. You convinced yourself that it is the one thing you can actually do right. There one can feel at rest. One can feel at home. An otherwhise unknown comfort one can become addicted to. What lies beyond is scary. It is an escape from an easily achievable comfort that is just one thought away.

Even though what lies beyond is not good or bad in of itself. It just opens up more of the human experience than one has currently access to. It is frightening to take the step into the unknown. In that very moment one loses everything that has been build up. The default settings stop working. One starts again with nothing. Like an infant one has to learn anew, with the fundamental differece of having to be their own grown-ups. Judging what is good and healthy behavior, while still appearing like a somewhat put together human adult. – being unable to make that step leads to a state of emotional masochism as a form of taking control as well as not leaving ones carefully consturcted imaginary comfort. As a result one stays in a perpetual state between feeling neutral at best and horrible at worst.

That is Goldilocks zone of being miserable.

“[Time] to get balls deep into the fucking politics”

– X, A. Schw.,YouTube, 2018, GOT Abr. #77, 10:28.

What I am doing now is definetly not what I want to continue doing. Because if I do and do not undergo a fundamental change of my values I should probably prepare my last will and testament. Which I certainly do not want to do, atleast not with those implications. I will do my best to finish what I started. Partly out of fear what happens if I dont.

The fear of being the most ordinary person that tried to convince themselves otherwise
The sudden tingeling of accumulating awareness that sets in before piling up into the uncomfotable onslaught of upcoming panic. Suffocating every action with thought for a moment.
The correct way and order to answer multiple messages in one chat: Answer the last message first, potentially following up the topic to keep the conversation going. Next answer the first of the unanswered messages. Depending on the other messages, they can be answered briefly to narrow down the conversation to less topics or expanded upon if it is desired. With the first and last messages answered the messages inbetween should be answered from second most recent to second oldest.
I noticed a behavioral pattern of a difficulty of adjusting to new enviorments. New people, especially if they can see me work cause a lot of stress, wanting to double check everything, if needed asking for second opinions or just shutting down and being incredibly unproductive.
You look so stunning even if you were to wear nothing, I’d still think ‘how did you pull that off.’ – The cotton fabric didn’t put up much of a fight.
Living without having access to most of one’s memories feels like using the brain’s equivalent of RAM. You get along just fine enough to not notice. And then I will stumble upon something loosely related to a memory just to notice that it is simply not there anymore. The book mark exists but the pages are empty. Almost every memory that has somehow managed to crawl it’s way out of the repressed memory hole has had the same bitter flavour.

Currently:
loosing the enjoyment of listening to music, the last bastion of auditive enjoyment has been the Cowboy Bebop Soundtrack as well as GOT Abridged, thanks for keeping me sane
watched Netflix’s “Inside Job”, an overall very passable animated series, that had an interesting premise, season 2 was a great improvement and didnt rely on references as much as season 1.
watched Amazon’s “Undone”; season 1 was a very interesting experience. Concepts, characters and the style were quite appealing to me, although rotoscoping might not be the most pleasing visual style for an animated series. Season 2 loses the stakes and personal drama that we could witness in the frist season and swaps it for a more family focussed slightly boring plot that at least manages to finish the series in a coherent way. Also having Saul Goodman as a work obsessed professor with schizophrenia and as a deceased father to the protagonist was great. (I never watched a single episode of Breaking Bad.)
almost finished watching HBO Max’s “Close Enough” an animated sitcom, relativly light hearted entertainment that regularly spirals into the absurd and surreal consequences of the cast’s actions
almost finished watching the anime “Cowboy Bebop”, after enjoying the soundtrack a lot. Besides all the praise, only the soundtrack, some of the imagery and the absurd extend of the things happening resonated with me personally.

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