Jonath – Page 2

Like a parasite, the idea sits on my head and poisons my thoughts.

Yawning as a check of functionality – a hypothosis

After a period of time in which the body did not get enough oxygen due to for example shallow breathing, yawning tries to inflate and then deflate the lungs to the best of the body’s abilities, resetting the breathing rhythm. Analoge to the flinching before falling asleep.

Sitting in front of a cursed mirror showing the most captivating sceneries until one dies of thirst missing the last sunset.

The feeling of attraction towards someone although fundamentally different to yourself on the surface. They are living the values you hold dear but never dared to live them out. Out of fear of being even more outcast and losing the privileges of at least watching others from the sidelines of social experiences.

You baffle me with even the mondaine allowing me to take a step back with the most odinary of things. Fear of getting bored watching someone being themselves, because eventually there has been enough data collected to accurately predict them. Until the model fails spectacularely. Looking at the shards, there is a mistake screaming at a deaf observer.

Usage of human relationships as a tool to switch lenses and optimize ones ability to portray an even better suited fassade.

I suddenly tried to remember my age. Trying to remember it should not even be an actual thought. The last age I could actively remember was the age of 18. Which was certainly not the correct answer anymore. I was baffled by the fact that what had felt like approximately a few days past, had in fact been years. What I remember a year felt like was like an eternity. The endless amount of time that passes until your next birthday. Until what had been endless nights the few days prior became a rushing past of days. Even more so if you had something planned, I suppose. That has never really been my thing really.

A singular scream in the distance

Curtains closing, camera moves backwards; reveals: small theatre stage, Dim light, worn carpet, most of the well-padded, red seats are filled

People start to hastely get up and leave while the room slowly brightens up with dim orange light

Everything rushing in at the same time suffocating thoughts and left incapacitated

The word play began looking wrong to me as if the combination of signs lost its meaning.

Interesting auditory decisions that took place recently.

Like a parasite, the idea sits on my head and poisons my thoughts. Read More »

What else is there

Fantasies, the things we think of, the things wish for and the things we work towards are the well of hope we dug for ourselves. If the glass candles start to burn again, if the bleeding star foretells the prince that was promised and the stars allign in the right way at the right time plus a little bit of luck or the plot requires you to, you will be able to grasp what you desire where only air has been moments before. Those lucky few might enjoy the emptyness that awaits afterwards.

I am almost done with rewatching the first 4 seasons of The Dragon Show – Last time I watched them was a few years ago. Since then I enjoyed myself a few A Song Of Ice And Fire deep dives. My most recent one had me relistening to large parts of Alt S(c)h(w)ift X’s “Game of Thrones Abriged” which is currently clocking in at 107(+) Episodes in two “seasons” AGOT and ACO(C)K, in which each episode covers one chapter. Which furthermore rekindled my spirits to actually re-read the books. Fortunately I do not have them at my current location so I don’t need to worry about actually following through with it.

collection of ideas:

Animated series where every episode starts and ends on the train where the protagonist sits on the train looking through the window onto the city at night or the city concealed by fog in the morning – The contents of each episode would be following the protagonist around throughout the day until the end of the shift.
Animated series where the protagonist lives in a train, travels around through the land, exploring abandoned cities and scavanging for a living. Getting to know other survivors making connections and eventually being able to face their fears and being able to settle down – steampunk-ish post apocalyptic earth – Three parts, trying to cope by fixing the train and maybe being able to live happily unattached; The adventure itself, living on rails for years after being able to relearn making connections; part three: coming to terms with their humanity; Happy sometimes but it is still worth living all the time

The following (including the self narration) can be taken as a transcript of my brain.

Being infatuated with someone is the name we have given to the physiological phenomen of being overwhelmed by anotherones presence, meant in the most neutral sense of the word. For a short moment in time all that matters vanishes into insignificance and the default settings of persception dissolve. The Brain adapts to what ever impulses led to that result and manages to comprehend every time. Until the significant other becomes an-other.

Or atleast thats a widely depicted version of what romantic relationships are.

Self-critical comment -> coping -> insecurities

I just had this thought and analyzied where it came from. To a certain degree I had fun typing out the introduction because i thought I felt it for a second.

The reason why I am trying to write like I planned this out is because I believe it is expected of me. I feel like I have to do what is expected of me to be liked and I want to be liked.

I wonder what that says about my brain – was my initial thought but the phrasing emphasizes the separation of the physical human body and the cognitive experiencing part. [The Body as the data measuring instrument and GPU. Perception, interpretation of measurements and images takes place on the same hardware but the program and the one using the program is what has been called the soul.]

I should sleep

I laid in bed trying to sleep and listening to my thoughts (language!(why do I make editorial notes to my own thoughts and which(?) or who(?) is listening)) and waited 5 minutes and decided to write the thought down I had in the moment. It felt like limiting my thinking speed to my typing speed. Or as if my mind is a monitor with 144Hz but my GPU only manages to put out 60 frames per second

Maybe thats what a mind should feel like

I should really sleep

All the people I imagine in a positive context or one disproven by personal experience or percieved personal experience are white. That is the result of modern structural racism

Carefully selected 10 minutes of additional entertainment

What else is there Read More »

Humanity restored.

A recurring thought after taking a shower and actually getting dressed for the day.
Also Dark Souls 2 burned these words into my retinas. Oh you aren’t having a great time playing the game with only half a health bar and unfair boss fights? Crack open a human effigy and the words HUMANITY RESTORED radiate over the screen.
As always the ongoing struggle to focus on anything continues. Todays best performance was sitting on the edge of my bed for about an hour mindlessly (and with mindlessly I mean being stunned by my own racing half-complete thoughts) staring at the wall paper until i realized i didnt just missed being on time. I was still sitting on my bed at the time i initially planned to arrive.

The recent human experience

Collection of recent thoughts

Sometimes i feel like a character in a show about struggleing with mental illness and finding myself deeply relating with it as well as being fully aware that i am not – The little voice in my head that runs the usual buisness keeps telling me to never buy into delusions which is basically the definition of being reasonable but one question remains. Who defines what is and is not. Incase of my human experience that would be me. But I am clearly not that capable of making that descisions. At least it feels like that.
I enjoy the thought of planning things. Sometimes planning itself can be enjoyable. Executing plans is in my experience not that enjoyable. I considered planning a new chair that fits into my room, that i could build myself so it actually suits my needs but the act of building it would just confirm my lack of actual craftsmanship
Between places a bus with a large advertismenet lable encouraging people to become foster parents drove past me. Why? Initially it doesnt make any difference for the children who’s situation would probably improve. But long time solutions should be prioritized and advocating for it in a casual manner does not seem as responsible as i’d like.
I think i would have made a great excentric vicotrian nobleman, making bad scientific experiments with questionable value but having a somewhat accaptable reputation due to one somewhat good idea i had throug the years

Humanity restored. Read More »

Comfort.

I made a new playlist to optimize laying in bed until i am slightly too late for things, while i am being fully aware that just getting up a few minutes earlier would help avoiding the uncomfortable situation of being late. But atleast you know exactly what you are up for, the concequences of your own actions.

B-Side

Pile of rotting matter and trying to pull out the last remaining untainted cell with a pair of pincers
Parasitic nature of ideas
Thinking in only half complete centences
Inner dialogues; reasonable and irrational (?)

Comfort. Read More »

“A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct.”

– from the Manual of Muad’dib by the princess Irulan and regularly igonred by me.

Dont get used. Get used to someone. My daily co-star update from a few days ago. I really liked that, although it suffers from the same chronic illness like all astrological predictions and phrases. Sounding meaningful while not saying much at all.
Generating a well known conflict in my mind, between what i like and enjoy and what my overly rationalizing thought-process judges as reasonable.
What will await you here if I can actually commit to doing this, whatever this is or will be, is some meaningfull nonsense and an abstract version of my human experience.

Currently listening to a mix of Cosmo Pyke, Próxima Parada and Outerspass…

What my current human experience feels like, visualized via Stable Diffusion some time ago by me.

“A beginning is the time for taking the most delicate care that the balances are correct.” Read More »